So, I know it's been over three months since I updated this blog, and I am deeply ashamed. But presented as I am with so daunting a task as apologizing to my massive readership for a prolonged and inexplicable, nay, inexcusable absence and filling you all in on my numerous and fantastical adventures, I am doing as I always do: presenting nonsensical tripe and ignoring the elephantine gaff I've already made in the hope that no one will notice.
Now on with the fluff piece!
Sally Hansen Creme Hair Remover Kit
Package contains: 2 oz creme hair remover, .5 oz skin conditioning lotion, standard-issue dire warning booklet.
$4.99 at Walgreens (low average pricing for its type, high for quantity of product)
I've used chemical hair-removal cremes before. I'm no stranger to the intrinsic foibles of using Nair and facial Nair, so I was well prepared for whatever a cheaper, and less threatening, product had to offer. Or so I thought.
The instructions state, and I quote, "after application, wait three minutes. Test a small patch... etc etc. If hair does not remove easily, wait an additional two minutes and test again. Do not leave on longer than a total of eight minutes." I only note this because with repeated test patches, I left the treatment on very close to the stated maximum time frame. Just some context for you.
I have, as I say, used many such products, searching for a non-destructive everyday alternative to shaving until I can afford electrolysis. I am accustomed to mixed results, drying of skin, and weird smells. That said, I can tell you that the results were not mixed: this product is 100% ineffective. I understand that, as a transwoman, products designed for the skin and hair of biological women are expected to be less effective, given relative thickness, regrowth, etc etc. I have never seen a product which failed to impact existing hair at all. Literally, at maximum product-efficiency conditions, nothing was even loosened. After rinsing, I could watch my skin reddening and cracking just ever so slightly, and as for the smell? The creme smells, literally, like poop. Poop, goddammit.* Even after a soap-free shower my face smelled faintly of napalm and diarrhea. And the lotion they give you for after smells just like, get this, Nair. Go figure.
Here are a couple of quotes from an independent consumer-reporting website, www.buzzillions.com:
"Would not recommend to my worst enemy."
"I had a scab on my face."
"I wish I had seen these reviews, then I wouldn't have used it and been in suck discomfort."**
Final Vedict
MTF-friendly: 0/5
Everyday Use: 1/5 (instructions say to wait 24 hours before reapplication, so presumably it could replace shaving if it worked)
Overall Functionality: 0/5
Æsthetics: If you want to be red and bumpy and stubbly and smell like poop, go for it. For the rest of us, ≥0/5***
So, I believe I've made myself clear for now. I've got another one pending, and I'll let you know as soon as my face no longer smells like... oh, you get the idea. Anyway, and I mean it this time, brb.
*No, seriously. Poop.
** "Suck Discomfort" is a phrase I'm going to be using a lot now. Should I hyphenate it? I think I will. Suck-discomfort. Yeah.
***That's right. Maybe less than zero. I can do it, it's my blog. And the æ thingy, I get to do that too if I want. This is like my little 2D fiefdom. Like all Californians, I get to go out and hit the serf! Get it? HAW HAW!
4 comments:
I just have to say that I am very disappoint . . . oh look! Pretty pictures!
I just had my non-existent moustache waxed off yesterday. I highly recommend waxing. And before you go off on some "I have more/thicker/more noticable hair than you" tangent: You are blonde and I have black facial hair, and seriously, you've seen my eyebrow (yes, only one) when I don't have time to get in for a waxing. I am no stranger to pain at the hands of an aesthetician.
But good to know as far as the product goes. I know that I've used stuff on my legs that is barely effective.
And the smell? Probably urea. Seriously, they use the primary component of urine to make depilatory cream. Although I guess that doesn't explain why it smells like poop.
Can it be noted somewhere in one of these that assets and silicon breast forms are the shit, and that bike shorts are worthless?
*** you typed greater than or equal to. jerk. no caps for you!
glad you're back to the net. especially like your list of 'labels' for this entry.
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